ASK KICKSTAND

Ask Kickstand is an email advice column dedicated to motorcycle questions. These questions can be technical; regrading mechanical issues, safety related, philosophical, spiritual or relationship issues. 

Dear Kickstand,

I have a problem that is causing me not only embarrassment, but problems in social settings. About three months ago I noticed that I was drooling. It usually is on the right side of my mouth at the corners of my lips. At first it was quite minor, but in the last month it is noticeable to anyone who is near me. My wife keeps wiping off my face with a tissue or she sticks a vacuum by the side of my mouth.  My coworkers either chuckle, wag their heads or hand me a tissue. I had one friend suggest that I wear a portable suction machine to stop the dripping off my chin. 

Could this be motorcycle related, as I don't wear a full face helmet. Can being exposed to a steady 60 mile an hour wind be the cause. Please help!

Sincerely, 

Sammy Slobber 

Dear Slobber,

I am so happy you wrote to me. Your problem sounds like Cycle Slobber. This is a medical condition that usually is caused by prolonged exposure to a steady air flow of 40 or more miles per hour. This condition takes years to manifest and correcting the problem also takes years of physical therapy. This of course can be very costly, if your insurance provider does not cover physical therapy. But I have some very good news for you. There is an inexpensive alternative. Rather than prolonged therapy you can also play a kazoo for 20 minutes every day. This treatment will produce noticeable results within three months and a complete cure is likely in about two years. Playing the kazoo strengthens the lip muscles and the muscles around the mouth. Incidentally there are 6 lip muscles and 11 muscles around the mouth. Kazoo playing strengthens all the muscles and also allows you to drool out the end of the instrument. 

I am sure you are concerned about the social issues that will persist during the treatment years. First as I mentioned you will notice a slight decline within 3 months and as the months go by your drooling will diminish. There are several ways to deal with your dripping face. 1. Wear absorbent make up. There is a product call Desert Face which absorbs an amazing amount of water. Another upside is you can actually improve your appearance. It will take you some time to learn how to apply it, but with a cosmetologist's help you can get a good jump start. 2. You can grow a nice full beard or purchase a very attractive beard in which you can hide a Drool Drip Catcher. They can be purchased at any medical equipment supply store.  3. You can hire a good disability lawyer and possibly be deemed 100 percent disabled. Since you will not need to work anymore, you could travel the country on your motorcycle and make a little extra cash playing the kazoo on street corners. Just remember to wear a full face helmet from now on.